A look into the future

TOP 15 HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2035

1. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

4. Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

5. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

6. 35 year study: diet and exercise are keys to weight loss.

7. Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

8. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

9. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

10. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

11. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

12. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

13. Average height of NBA players now nine-foot seven-inches.

14. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

15. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.